it’s so much easier to be happy for/see the overwhelming potential in other people than it is to even begin to believe in yourself. it’s just so apparent in everyone else that they will be the best of the best at what they do. i think i hold a harsh side of a sort of double standard against myself, and the good side to the rest of the world.
- when i think about the future, i’m not even really thinking about it. it’s sort of like this white wall/block that’s all unknown and while i can take a guess as to what i might be/would like to be doing, it’s just easier to say “something will happen!!” then so say “everything will go worse than poorly.”
- today i am feeling not good enough. i submitted some crappy crap poem to my school’s literary mag and it didn’t get in. truth is, i don’t even really care. but i also kinda do. but i know that it doesn’t mean i completely suck. especially because the poem was not great. but i also think it means that i should stop trying all together and just start applying to work in the FBI
- (i would never last a day in the FBI. face it: i just wanna be olivia dunham.)
- my life might get suckier. i’m hoping it doesn’t, but it’s just something that could happen. i’ve just been realizing though that i don’t know anything about anything. i haven’t read the books i should have read. i haven’t done things i should have or gone places.
- it’s weird, cause it’s a really beautiful day. and i don’t want to be all gloomy. but i have to write an essay that’s pointless, and i just realized that i shouldn’t think that things are pointless, and i should instead find some sort of redeeming quality in it.
- but i kinda can’t.
- basically, wishing things were a lot different today, and trying not to convince myself that they’ll never get better.
Maybe it’s true: maybe the universe doesn’t give a shit about you. But through empathy, we can care about each other, and we are also of the universe.
right now kayla and quinn are at an eisley show and they’re???? in??? the???? front???? row???? i didnt think that front row was a THING THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO REAL PEOPLE???? JUST SUPERHUMANS????? SO I GUESS THEY’RE SUPER HUMANS NOW I AM SO BEYOND OVER THE MOON HAPPY/EXCITED FOR THEM OMG???
here it is. i hope you don’t think it’s too terrible. if you do, let me know, though. thanks, dudes.
The Bike Club
After the sliver of passionately soft spring passed and the hanging heat settled itself in waves above the black pavement, the Bike Club began its newest season.
Two years ago, under the pink and blue evening sky that promised us all a tall cone of cotton candy at the upcoming town fair, my brother Jake had been collected by Mickey Miller, the leader of the Bike Club. I remember opening my bedroom window and looking down on the two boys, engaged in a youthful business negotiation. Mickey shook Jake’s hand. My brother smiled bigger that on any Christmas morning. He stood there for minutes after Mickey left out doorstop, watching Mikey’s figure fade from his vision, and breathing in the song the sidewalks rang out to him through their imperfect pores and cracks—calling his name, solidifying the duty that he must bring unto them and the rest of the roads that spiraled in and around the lazy summer town. He looked up at my window an hour later. “See that?” he asked. I nodded.